The Story Of My Pathetic Life....

Engangements...Wedding...Its like that is all people do these days...Couple of my friends are already married & there's 1 more wedding this July...Just saw some engangement pictures of Shaliza & Fakrul...

Their pictures was soooo nice & comforting...I felt something while watching those pictures...I can't explained what the feeling was...Maybe its the feeling of wanting to go down that road & experience it myself?  Maybe its the feeling of wanting to be with my loved one so bad?

Marriages even engagements is not an easy thing to do...It's not like you can get married today & when you're bored, you can get out of it just like that.  It's something serious.. It's something you must think carefully about before you walk down the aisle...It's a big responsibilities..You have to be prepared before you walk down that road..Really really prepared...

 All this weddings & engangements makes me want to walk down that road too.. But I know, I have to be patient & wait.. My time will come..I'll be praying that I'll be in the future of my loved one..Right now,I just have to be patient...

X - Men Rocks!!!!

A must - see movie...

That's all I have to say...

Next Mission :

Watch "The Da Vincci Code"

Seriously, I don't know what I'm feeling right now.  I'm confused.  I'm jealous.  I'm hurt & I'm having 2nd thoughts on something.

 

I'm trying to be strong here.  All I did these days just put up a happy face & pretend that nothing is wrong.  But sometimes when I can't hold on any longer, I would just break down & cry. 

 

I'm having 2nd thoughts about my relationship.  I still want things to work like it used to, but like I said, I'm having 2nd thoughts now.  I know that it's also my mistake that things got wrong.  I wish we could mend things up.  I want it to be like it used to be.  I wish I can see you right now, sit down & talk..  About us.  Fyi, my relationship is kind of fragile right now.  One mistake & that's it, that's the end of it.  Please pray for me that things would be right again.

 

Just got the news yesterday that my cousin would be engange this August & she'll be getting married this November.  Congrats!  I usually love weddings & I'll be the most excited person in the family.  But right now, with my condition like this & with me worrying bout many things, I don't feel happy when I heard the news.  Infact, I felt jealous of her.  Last night, my mother hinted when would be my turn.  Mama, I wish I could tell you when my turn is.  But right now, don't let your hopes high.  I'm not so sure myself how my relationship will end, whether with him or with someone else.  We'll just wait & see how it turns out...

< I don't know where I got this poem.  But I like it.  So I posted it in here> 

I am sorry.

I know it's not good enough.
Wish there was a better way to say how much I regret it.
But I love you.
So much.

I have missed you all along.
I'm giving you more time & space.
As much as you need.
But I'm still here, waiting, waiting to be yours again.

Things won't be the same, I'm aware of that.
There is too much to forgive & forget.
It won't go away.
Somehow, it will haunt us.
Me.
You.

I regret.
I cant sleep at night.
For so long.

It's not easy for me too.
Living with this sin.

I am sorry.
I am a bad person.

On my way to college this morning, I saw a kitten playing by itself near the path to MMU.  Eventhough I was late for class, I stopped to pat the cat & to said hello to the kitten.  Hihihii.  I like talking to cats.  After that, I just walked & left the kitten there.  I turned around  to see what the kitten is doing.  To my surprise the kitten was running as quickly as it can towards me.  Kononnya nak ikut gi MMU la tu.  I said to myself ", takkan kucing ni nak ikut sampai class kot?"  I stopped for a while & the kitten sat on my feet.  "pulak".  Then I stepped over the kitten & walk again.  I turned around again & this time I didn't see where the kitten run to.  "Nasib baik".  The moral of the story, don't stop & pat a cat especially a kitten.  It will try to follow you.  Hihihii

 

Have you ever experience or see or feel that something might happen?  Well I have.  These past few days.  As you all know my love life is on a rocky road & its on a 3 months probation right now (after 3 months, we'll see what happen to my love life.  Will it end or will it live on).

 Anyway,  these past few days I had a feeling or to be correct i saw signs that my relationship MIGHT end.  Today, while I'm eating in the cafeteria I watched WHI (Wanita Hari Ini) & for today's topic it is about "Intip" or "Spying".  They talked about husbands & wives or girlfriends & boyfriends hiring PI (Private Investigator) to spy on their spouses to check if their spouses are cheating behind their backs.  The PI's work is to follow the subject everywhere he/she goes & video tape or snap some pictures of the subject (so that you have some proof that your other half is cheating on you). 

I sat there thinking "Hmm...  Wouldn't it be nice if I could hire a PI too".  It's not that I don't trust him,  I only doubt him sometimes.  Like he is with me.  Adil la kan.  But then, it would be impossible because I don't have the money to hire them (duit pun mintak kat mak bapak lagi, ada hati nak upah penyiasat.hihihi).

Over the weekend, a new friend of mine sent this message to me :

"Keep searching, you will find one man that loves you"

I told him that I had a bf but he doesn't believe me.  This is what he said to me :

" I don't think you have.  A beautiful girl like you needs someone that can make you happy internal & external.  A guy that loves you the way you love him.  Can take good care of you.  You need proper attention"

I forwarded this message to my bf & he asked me who sent it to me.  So I told him that its from a new friend of mine.  Then he went quiet.  Maybe because he realised that the words are SO true?  Or maybe because he don't know what to say anymore?

Anyway, I think this friend of mine is wondering if I REALLY have a bf, then what am I doing in a chatroom looking for someone to talk to?  Cause then he said :

"If I have a girlfriend, you will never see me close to chat room"

I didn't say that I didn't like it or mad at him when he those things to me.  It's just, when he said it especially the one where he said that I need a guy that can make me happy internal & external.  It makes me wonder how all the things that he said are true.  It's like he knows what's going on with my love life.  Like he knows that there's something wrong with it.  Those words hit me the most.  I felt like "Pang!", someone hit me on the face.  It kept me thinking & made me worried  for days.  It made me wanted to face my bf face to face & ask him so many questions that I'm dying to ask.

Those are the signs that I'm talking about ealier.  I hope this relationship will still go on after this 3 months of probation *fingers crossed*

I have to stop now.  I've poured everything single thing that's been bothering me today in here.  I need some rest.  I'm tired because of my classes & because of thinking so much.  I just need some rest.  Till then.  Nighty nite everyone!

I saw the kitten again this afternoon but I didn't stop & pat the kitten.  I heard some mewing near the Cyberia entrance stop & tried to find where its coming from.  Then I saw the kitten crouching under the bushes.  So cute.